Started with a picture

Late at night when my mind can't rest, sometimes I like to look back through old posts on Facebook and on my blog. I like to see where I was, and how far I have come from those experiences.

last night was no different.

my body was all like "dude, would you just close your eyes and sleep- we're sick!" But my brain was saying"just one more binge episode of Grey's Anatomy won't hurt.... April's wedding is the next episode!"  And "I know, let's rehash every foot in your mouth moment you've ever had! It'll be fun!" And "let's just look though some old pictures on FB".... So I ended up doing all three things my brain wanted to do.

stupid brain wins every time.

As I was looking at old pictures I was reading the comments under them. I would chuckle at each one (I love my sarcastic friends)- and then one hit me full force and knocked the wind out of me. It was a picture from a few years back and two people commented on them that are no longer my friends. One I am thankful is out of my life soo much drama and weird self-righteous ways of thinking- the other one still makes me ache to think of the friendship lost. Neither friendship was ended my by choosing- I remember posting a blog post a few years ago about not being the one to ever end the friendship.

the one friend that left me first, I didn't realize how down she always made me. I was just craving a new acceptance and went with it. In the end she called me the worst judge mental person in the world because I am not a feminist (in the extreme sense... I am all about equal rights- but I am not about challenging church stances and going against the prophet..... Which obviously makes me the worst person ever)  the first month or two she left my life I was sad... And then I just felt free.  Free from her constant stances, free from judgement, and free  from guilt.

the second friendship still haunts me. It was a long, deep friendship... One of those friendships where you are more like sisters than friends. I have tried reconciling a few times- let her know I'm here. I miss her. I am thinking of her.....  And I don't know what keeps her away. I don't keep grudges. I never have. I internalize it, I think about it, I fume over it, and then I am done.   I still reach for the phone to call her when something just needs to be said really quick- a funny, a frustration, a what-in-the-heck, etc.... But I am afraid she won't answer. So I put the phone down, and feel sad all over again.

last night looking at that one picture from a few years ago brought up so many memories. I don't think I was ready to deal with them. It made me lonely again.

anyway, those are just my thoughts for the day.

cherish friendships.  You never know when they will go away.

There are some perks

Last night around 10pm, I totally lost my voice and swallowing my saliva felt like swallowing a large bouncy ball that was covered in sharp tacks. It was super awesome.

Maggie coughed the cough of a thousand smokers all night....

We both stayed home from church today.

one of the perks of living above my parents is that my mom totally took care of the kids all day. She brought them to and from church. She fed them. She made cookies with them. They watched the labyrinth together. And what did I do? Slept.

it was awesome.

Maggie laid on the couch and watched Barbie movies. It has been so long since those things have come out. Ever since Alli decided she was too cool for the Barbie movies, Maggie hasn't watched them. I hate this stage of  a rainbow loving girlie girl trying to emulate a total preteen tomboy.

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you wanna know what freaks me out? Those stupid people posting on FB pictures of Buddy the elf with things like "Only 8 Friday's until Christmas".

since we Moved  I am completely off of my game.

normally I would have SOME of Christmas done, or at the very least, I would have my master list written. So tonight I spent a few hours on pinterest and made my Christmas master list.

I am having a hard time with this Christmas. 1) I am not really in the 'spirit'. 2) I discovered this year that the majority of the gifts I had spent hours making and lots of money and thought put into it had been tossed to the side by the people I gave them to. So here's my problem..... I like making homemade thoughtful gifts..... But why put in the effort when the people you give them to don't care?   It just deflates Christmas for me.  Maybe everyone will get a $5 subway gift card this year. At least they can get a cookie.... And I won't waste hours of my life.

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3 gallons of Halloween candy this year.

wanna know what we didn't get anything of? Butterfingers and Reece's peanut butter cups. Weird.

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Until next time-