When I have pulled out my pictures to scrapbook them in the last year, I have gotten stuck- I sit for an hour, I ponder about the events of that day, I put the pictures away, and I walk away from the table. It's really been a frustrating cycle.... but it also isn't something I would want to forget about either.
You see, I'm trying to scrapbook the boy's birth. It was a really emotional journey for me. When Chip and I first found out that we were expecting twins- he gave me a
Priesthood Blessing. I was guided, comforted, and warned. There were two things in that blessing that will always stick with me.
1) These boys were to be for my joy. They were not being sent to us as a burden, something to be feared (
I mean, yeah, we were a little scared/shocked/freaked out when we found out there were TWO babies at one time!), and not something that would be a trial- They were sent for my joy.
(on my tough mothering days where my patience is thinner than a supermodel- I have to repeat "They are for my joy" pretty darn often.... lol)
2) I was told that there were going to be complications- but I wasn't to fear, as the Lord had placed me in the best doctor's hands- and he was basically going to save lives.
I remember when they were doing all of those glucose tests and I thought- "Okay, I know there are going to be complications, so I'm probably going to be diabetic with this pregnancy"... just psyching myself up. I ordered 20+ diabetic cookbooks from the library just in case. The test came and went- and there were no problems. They found I was anemic- and once they figured out how to manage my iron levels, everything was fine. (
And after the pregnancy- my iron returned to normal). I had non-stress tests 2-3 times a week, and I was sure that they would find something wrong... but they never did. I also had a repeating dream night after night that one of my boys had Down Syndrome. Considering that before I found out I was pregnant with twins I kept having dreams of twins..... and it came true, I was pretty sure that one of the boys would be born with Down's. I researched it and I felt good about the thought of raising a child with special needs, and I think I fell in love with about every little kid on this
Reese's Rainbow site- and I'm pretty sure that if we had enough space and money- I'd bring them all home. Such lovely children. When when the boys came out and neither of them had Down Syndrome, I was quite shocked.
Right before going into the hospital to have the boys, Chip gave me another blessing- and again I was told that there would be complications but I had the absolute best doctor who would be able to take care of anything that would arise. I was to trust in the Lord.
I took comfort in the fact that my OB/GYN was a devout Catholic man (
so devout that he won't even prescribe birth control, as it's against the teachings of his religion. I really respect that.) - who I know has faith and also trusts in the Lord. I always feel better when I know that others who are helping me also rely on Heavenly Father to guide them.
When I got to the hospital- they started the Pitocin to get things jumping..... keep in mind that Alli's labor was 13 1/2 hours... Maggie's was 12 1/2 hours.... so I was thinking, heck, I'll be doing good if I go quicker than 12 hours! I was surprised when they checked me 5 1/2 hours after getting started that my doctor said "It's time to push!".... I remember looking at Chip and saying "Really??" Miles was my absolute easiest child to birth. No tearing, hardly any pushing, really easy- and in a few minutes, he was in my arms. The epidural was wearing off (it was a low dose)....
When I was holding that sweet little boy I forgot for a few minutes the warning that there would be problems. All time seemed to slow down- it was as though everything was in slow motion. I was gazing at this beautiful child that was in my arms, listening to his little cries, adoring his little toes and fingers.... and then a shooting amount of pain- a pain that I have never felt in my life (
keep in mind that the epidural I had with Maggie didn't work... so she was delivered o' natural... and was my biggest baby) brought me back to the present.
It's this picture that my mom took that keeps me coming back to that moment... this is what I get stuck on....... I remember the pain. I remember how scared I was. I remember how I thought they were crazy letting me hold Miles when I was in that much pain. I remember right after this picture I told Chip to quickly grab Miles before something bad happened.
Then I remember my doctor saying there was problems. I remember watching him reach in with both arms... up to his elbows to try and get Dexter out. I remember watching the lady who had the ultrasound wand on my belly wincing and start panicking. I remember my doctor starting to look scared. This man had never once looked nervous before- and he was looking scared..... I remember him saying that Dexter had flipped sideways to the top of my uterus- and that his heart was stopping. I remember him looking deep in my eyes and saying "There's no time, we have to get this baby out NOW". With that time went in fast forward.... nurses started jumping around- it was almost like a choreographed dance.... One yanked all the cords from the wall- One yanked my IV (almost out)- Two started running with my bed... yes... my legs still up in stirrups- nothing covering me up- through the hallways of the hospital to rush me into the O.R.... once we got there Chip was told he couldn't go in because he wasn't dressed in surgical garb, I was literally thrown from my delivery bed onto the operating table- the doctor just looked at me and said there's no time for more anesthesia- we called the anesthesiologist he's almost here, but by the time he would get it in... it'd be no use. Just then the anesthesiologist burst in the door. He held my hands and got down to my ear and said "I can either knock you out now... and you won't feel a thing- but you also probably won't even remember delivering the first baby- and I have to put a tube down your throat..... or I can just hold your hand and give you more of the epidural medicine, but it won't kick in until after the c-section.
I remember being so scared. On the flip side, I can never remember feeling so peaceful and comforted in my life. I felt literally like Heaven had opened it's arms and was embracing me. I knew the room was filled with angels. I didn't see any of them, but I FELT them so strongly- it was tangible. I opted to hold the anesthesiologist's hand. I remember feeling every inch of that c-section as they were cutting me open. It hurt more than I can possibly explain, but again, I was being helped by angels and I was okay. Time went back into slow motion.
Dexter was born before Chip was able to come in. When Chip got in, my epidural meds were finally starting to kick in- I was shaking violently... and in shock. The anesthesiologist held my hand until Chip was able to take it. There are no words to express my gratitude for that man.
From the time that Miles was born until the time Dexter was born... only 13 minutes had passed. In 13 minutes my life had changed.
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| The first time I got to hold Dexter (Right) and Miles (Left) together. |
I know that if I didn't have the doctor that I did.... that Dexter wouldn't be here with us today. I also know that if by chance Heavenly Father had decided that Dexter was needed in Heaven instead of on earth with us... that we'd be okay too. It would have been hard, but we'd be able to get through it. I believe in eternal families- and I know for a fact that he would be ours for eternity and I'd get to see him again when my mortal life was through.
I am thankful that Heavenly Father let Dexter be on earth with us.
I'm not sure how long I was left in the O.R. by myself- it felt like hours. Chip had taken Dexter back into the regular delivery room to show him off to Alli, Maggie, my mom, Chip's mom, and Chip's brother Jeff..... and of course get to meet his womb mate Miles. I had to wait for the x-ray machine to be brought up to x-ray me to see if they left any surgical tools inside...... it took for-eva'. I remember the anesthesiologist gave me this huge tube (think dryer tube) that blew warm air- he stuck it down the front of my hospital gown so that I could stop shivering and shaking uncontrollably. It was so wonderful. I remember as I lay waiting for the x-ray machine an enormous amount of peace surrounded me and I felt my Heavenly Father's presence so clearly. I knew His promise that everything would be okay was sure. I knew He fulfilled that promise.
Every time I bring out the pictures to scrapbook I get sucked back into May 24, 2010. I go through the entire episode... from the time I got checked into the hospital- until the time when they returned me back into my delivery room to finally get to hold both of my boys. There is just so many emotions that take over me - the joy after Miles was born, the pain of trying to get Dexter out, being scared beyond my imagination that not only would one of my biggest fears of a c-section would be coming true.... but the utter fear that I'd be doing it unmediated with only the comfort of my Heavenly Father and the hands of the anesthesiologist to help me- to the overwhelming amount of peace that completely engulfed me- to the feelings of being Frankenstein with staples in my body ....... It's exhausting. So I put the pictures away and get up from the table.
I am really hoping to move past it. I'm hoping that by writing it all down I'll be able to cross this emotional hurdle and be able to move on.....
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Even though I went through a this experience, I don't think I would want to change any of it. You may think I'm crazy.... but it's through that experience that I was able to rely on my Heavenly Father more than I ever had in my entire life. My testimony was strengthened 1000%..... and that's just something that I don't think I'd want taken back.
Plus I mean... look at these guys. It was totally worth it.
